The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

When President Obama said he was going to hit the ground running, I thought he meant that somewhat figuratively. No, he meant it literally. Since President Obama's inauguration less than a week ago, he has undone dastardly Bush deeds with amazing speed. And he continues to keep the media on their toes in an effort to keep up with him. President Obama is striving for action, relief and total transparency for the American public after their experience with the last Third Reich Administration, starring Richard(Dick) Adolf Cheney.

The United States is facing the most difficult times ahead as one can imagine. The Bush Administration left no leaf unturned in their total destruction of American life as we knew it. But Obama is holding steady and actually leading, like a president is supposed to do. It's been soooo long since we've had a competent leader representing the USA. Barack Obama has his work cut out for him. In all the economic turmoil that the neocons have created, the biggest, most huge failure has to be the implementation of huge tax cuts for the rich and powerful during the Republicans 8 years of endless spending on pork pet projects, and cutting public program's past the bone, to almost amputation of social security programs.

These huge tax cuts to the top 1-3% of the most hideous and disgusting rich to the detriment of the entire country has sent our economy, as well as the world economy in a death spiral that is headed for an endless abyss, totally out of control. Yet, even though I find it incredulous and difficult to believe, the Republicans are trying to hold out on President Obama's economic stimulus plan for more tax cuts for the rich!!!! I guess it just goes to show that when your head is buried in the sand (or up your butt), the Republicans only idea to solve the ails of country in deep doo-doo is to keep digging???(a little mixed metaphor- I'm allowed :0)

Enough about the stupidity of the mislead- I didn't want to discuss politics all this time. It's time to switch gears to my diary notes now. This journal, Imbroglio Appeal, is all about my deepest, darkest secrets - or just someone to bitch to when no one else will listen to me- or I don't want to talk about it, but still need to vent.

I put up with an extremely abusive man as my husband for nearly two decades. I mean this pathetic attempt at being a man was(is) abusive in every way possible: verbally, physically, economically, emotionally....you get the picture. He didn't spare his children from his abuse, obviously this is learned behaviour from his own upbringing. The ex destroyed every aspect of the life I was aspiring for in every way possible. He crippled me in every way possible- especially physically and emotionally. Suffice to say, I have been grieving at the loss of self as well as licking my wounds surreptitiously for some time now. Time doesn't always heal everything- especially when you turn 50 years old, and starting over with your life seems pretty daunting.

On top of the many crosses that I bear personally, I have two special needs children that need constant care. On top of the extraordinary drain of a single mother raising 3 children in total abject poverty, I was also diagnosed with Fybromyalgia in the fall of 2005. At first, this strange new diagnosis of Fibromyalgia came with some relief, as I had been suffering mind numbing pain for about 10 years prior to the diagnosis. I was tired of going to doctor after doctor after doctor, listening to their babble about the pain "being in my head", and their 'concern' that I was just seeking narcotic pain meds. Idiot doctors.

I am soooo sick and tired of people that don't have any idea what kind of pain and other problems that have plagued me with the onset of this disease, and don't care to know what I'm going through to think that it will "just go away" because that would be the easiest way for them to adjust to my problem. This attitude makes absolutely no sense, yet it is prevalent in all those that know me. Surely these same people would not expect a quadriplegic to get up and walk from his wheel chair would they? Or expect an elderly, infirm person that lives in a nursing home to just get out of bed and go get a job. How about telling a person that has cancer to "just get over it and quit feeling sorry for yourself". Or "why don't you exercise or get some sun?" To me, it's like suggesting that you close open-heart surgery with a band-aid, and "hope for the best". What?!?

As I have mentioned before on this blog, my brother, who is 17 months older than me, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma cancer last fall. Very treatable cancer. His doctor's say he is currently cancer-free. That's good news.

My oldest sister's daughter, my niece, was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder about 2 years ago, incurable but highly treatable. My sister's husband, my brother-in-law, has also had some health issues lately and for the past several years, as well as some health issues for my sister- all were treatable. My niece is doing very well, all things considered. Her husband and both families routinely help her out, which is great. She has 3 young children, same as me, but she is a lot younger than me. She has some bad days (about like I have some good days).

My problem is my family- siblings. I don't know how to react when they treat my illness like it's a headache. Recently I went to my pain doctor, like I do every 3 months, and have for the past 3 years. I asked him if I would ever "be over" Fibromyalgia, if this horrible disease was curable. I expected his answer- "no". He went on to explain that Fibromyalgia is such a new diagnosis, that there aren't very many ways to treat it yet, let alone cure it.

So not only has the ex ruined my life, but Fibromyalgia hovers on the horizon of the rest of my life to destroy what life I have left to live. To say the least, I have been devastated. I have to learn to live with this debilitating disease that tends to rob the simplest and most mundane pleasures life has left to offer me. And I have to accept this terrible handicap without any support from my siblings except for the very least acknowledgement- like I caused this disease to happen to myself. Yeah, who wouldn't want mind-numbing pain and terminal depression? (Sign me up! -oops! already there)

Yet my brothers and sisters, the very same people who don't give a rat's ass about my horrible disease, expect- no demand- that I give my brother's cancer and my niece's auto-immune disorder all the love, empathy and understanding of a saint. I try, but I'm still not in line to be canonized yet.

I cannot deal with all this madness. I need someone to listen to my pain, feel my pain. Give me some support and encouragement. I have been so downtrodden for so long, it is difficult to keep looking up at the hole where my life used to be. I want it all to end- but then where would I be?
It's hard to imagine things could get worse- yet every day is a new surprise of despair.

Dear Lord, why can't I get a break?

SOS