Watching Life Pass Me By

I know I haven't written here in a while, but sometimes my life is just too awful to drag myself through it twice- once living it, and twice writing about it. Such has been the case with me for nearly the last 2 decades. Writing is supposed to be my cathartic therapy to steer me out of the deep, dark ocean of depression and pain. But sometimes life hits you hard.

I used to try to "roll with the punches", but then it seemed that my life was a huge downhill slope, and I was trapped in a barrel, spinning out of control, rolling down the endless hill.

Control. Interesting word, 'control' is. After the controlling and abusive violence I suffered at the hands of Bradex, I never thought in a million years that I would search for control in my life again. But right now, 'control' has an amazing appeal and rolls off my tongue with delight.

Living in total chaos in your own universe is tiring and mind-boggling. You can never tell which way is up, down or sideways. Bad news has a way of traveling at high rates of speed, coming full force at me from underneath the belly of the beast, raining down on me in torrents, and sometimes side-swiping me when I'm least expecting it. It hardly helps to wear a raincoat in such inclement weather as is the disaster of my life at age 50.

If someone would have told me 25 years ago that my life would end up so tops-turvy at 50, I would have told them they were nuts. But where do I go from here when I am so completely turned around?

To make matters worse, I have noticed a definite uptick in deaths of people my own age, both celebrities and friends. For the first time in my life, 50 doesn't seem so old after all. But what if I die tomorrow? There are so many things in life I still want to accomplish. Yet I am in no position to aspire to my hopes and dreams. I also have the hopes and dreams of my children to work towards- never mind my old fogey desires.

Should I work towards what I want in life in the hope it will ultimately benefit my children, or just scrap what I used to consider important and work on my children's hopes and dreams?

See, this is where I think 'control' comes into play. If I had some control over destiny, at least to some extent, I could pick and choose the best path for us to follow for the fruition of hopes and dreams. Then we'd all be happy. Utopia.

Right now, I would settle for just a little bit of old fashion control that would allow all the swirling excrement to stop, and enough control would emerge to allow my family and I a reprieve. What we really need is a vacation. A long, extended vacation would be fantastic.

Is it too much to tempt the fates and maybe ask that the simple control that most people have over their own lives be restored to my clan?

Sheila